Had a minor panic attack last night...
DH left for what was only to be a brief trip to the car wash, but an hour passed and he still wasn't home. He had been acting a bit "off" all day. I began to get paranoid - he knows his way around a computer, and even though we each have our own macs, maybe he had to pop on mine for a quick second, and maybe he accidentally stumbled upon a link to my blog.
My head was racing - he wasn't answering his cell, or replying to my texts - I was scared to death he had found my blog and had lied to me about going to wash his car, instead planning some type of forced therapy on me or something with friends and family.
I was so paranoid. Heart was racing. He doesn't believe there is anything wrong, and sometimes I don't believe there is, either. I mean, honestly, don't ALL women go through this? I don't know of any woman who doesn't have issues with her body. Sure, I might be a bit more extensive in my pursuit of happiness, with the laxatives and the pills. And sure I hate that this consumes my mind and dictates how I feel and how I act and react. But don't all women diet? And isn't dieting the same as restricting? Of course, I would be hideously embarrassed if he knew about the c/s, me hurting myself, my thoughts, among other things...
I don't know.
Anyways, this stuff I put on here is just my way of getting it out - it's cathartic for me, and helps me keep my mind on track. If he came across it, I would feel so violated. I couldn't look him in the eye. Last night, I was prepping myself to almost walk out on him, planning what I would do with my DD, where I would go.
Turns out, he just made a stop at a store first, and didn't have his phone on him, and all was well.
WOW. Fucking paranoia.
But perhaps a good wake-up call regardless; I'm more cognizant of clearing my history and deleting links as I go.
I'm not ready for him to know. I'm not at a place yet where I can share this with him.
When I get there, and after I'm in that place securely and happily, I can tell him. But until then, I need to be more careful.
Getting in some cardio now before I do anything else - I think this is what will work best - after yesterday's session, the hunger was ravenous. This way, if I get it done first thing in the morning, I can shut it up with my 107 cal breakfast, and hopefully not eat again until my salad at dinner time.
Here we go!
I do the same thing. Maybe not about mine finding my blog but I think my brother did because of an anonymous post. I just get paranoid easy and then panic and then I found out what really happened and feel silly. The one time I forced myself past the paranoia though, the paranoia was actually right. Didn't help me out very much...
ReplyDeleteAnyways I talk about me too much. I hope you maybe have a little more faith in him next time and I hope he doesn't find it. :)
You don't talk about you too much! I'm happy I can post something that someone else relates to, makes me feel less alone :) So thank you! :) What happened when you were found out? I remember when my stash of ephedrine was discovered (I was actually taking a bottle of 50 per day - blamed it on my 4am shifts at work.....) - I was scared and hurt and embarrassed and ANGRY. Not the best way to "rehabilitate" someone by making them flush their addiction down a toilet and yelling at them while they cry...whoops, that sounds like another blog post for another time...I know what you mean about going through all that paranoia and then feeling silly after realizing it's all for naught. I wish I could be less neurotic about that myself though...don't see that happening...the nature of the beast I suppose! ;)
ReplyDeleteWell my brother doesn't even live in the same state as me and he wouldn't confront me about it he would just read it and that makes me more paranoid than anything. He probably wouldn't admit to knowing about it but that comment sounded too much like him to doubt. But generally when anyone in my family finds anything out I say f off and do what I'm doing still, just better hidden. They have accepted I do things my way or the highway lol. Besides I have a knack for making really good excuses... It just reminds us to hide better and get super creative so they won't find out again.
DeleteAhhh it was a comment...and you can't very well approach him on it in case it WASN'T him, then you've screwed yourself over. I remember when I lived at home, I used up every excuse I could think of and it got to the point where they saw right through me. Frustrated the hell out of me, and only made me angrier, and pushed me to keep doing it. No way was I gonna be stopped NOW! They kinda gave my hubby a heads-up on my "odd" beahviour when we got married, so he could watch out for it - but he knows better than to question me or anything I do. HA Keep the creative juices flowing, girl! You're right, it does make us more keen not to let anything slip up - I hated living under a microscope. I wish I was better at making really good excuses! Too bad I didn't know you back then, you could've given me some pointers! :)
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