Restricted in EVERYTHING :(

Well just as I feared/expected, the pain of my injury is flaring up, and I'm out of commission.

I have no choice but to lie down. This sucks!

Calorie restriction is great, but when I'm FORCED to cut back on my exercise, I'm NOT happy.

Last night, while I was talking to DH after our DD went to sleep, I grabbed a handful of jujubes, without even thinking about it, and popped them into my mouth, one by one.

They tasted sooooo good.

And after I had finished eating them, and the pure enjoyment of the taste was washed over by anger about what I had just done, I immediately began to try figuring out how many damn calories that was.

I was afraid to know. I still don't know for sure, how many did I eat? It was almost like that part of my brain shut off so I could just pop them in without a second thought. The aftertaste made me angry. I felt like such an idiot - how could I not just, at one point throughout the process of walking over to the jar, unscrewing the lid, sticking my fat fingers into it, grabbing a handful, pulling my hand out, replacing the lid and screwing it back on, how could I NOT have been cognizant of what the fuck I was doing and STOP MYSELF.

My lax tea didn't solve anything, but the pain of it made me feel better. That's what I get for not being more aware.

Well, I suppose I should get my bed rest on. Fucking sucks - what the fuck can I do!

Figure out ways to create a homemade lipo-kit....

Thank you Venus for your advice - I used this past weekend to up my calories (hoping all that tequila from that Cinco de Mayo party sufficed!) and then after minor indulgences at a kid's bday party yesterday (a piece of cake maybe 4" combined dimensions, with a heaping tbsp of vanilla ice cream!), I loaded up on my special tea and hunkered down for the night.

Only managed to snag 30 min of cardio in over the past 2 days - they were very, very busy days....

This morning greeted me with vicious stomach cramps, shakes and cold sweats - a feeling that I hate to love. Really, what normal person craves that feeling?

That's my way of punishing myself for eating. And it's a good feeling. If my body wants to betray me by holding onto the weight, or throwing me into a c&s binge, then I'm gonna take the reigns and make it hurt. And acknowledging that only I have the power to change that feels great.

Sucky thing is, this weekend strained my injury, so I fear I'm bed-ridden today. Good thing I'm back to restricting today.

Started the day off with my 150 cal steel cut oats, about 10 cal for berries and with my 2 egg whites, I've rounded up a total of 177 cal.

Trying to fight this pain from my injury, but I don't think I can do anything about it. At least not today.

Going to pop some sleeping pills, that way I won't have to wake up until everyone comes home later on today. And if I'm sleeping, I can't be eating. ;)

Have a great day everyone! :)

Home alone....

Just knocked out 30 min of cardio on the treadmill, burned 252 cal.

Not a whole helluva lot. Feeling the pain in my injury, but I can't very well just lie around and let myself swell and bloat - errr, "heal".

So I'm cranking tunes and I'm gonna rock out some strength training. 

Breakfast and lunch down, and 379 cal in my body pre burn - 127 cal left to get rid of now.

No one's home. Time to bust it out. 

Anger, resentment, the story of my life

I'm so confused.

And pissed off.

I have been restricting for a very long time, but my weight has gone UP.

I don't fucking understand!!!! Can someone pls explain this to me?

I know your body reaches a point where it hoards fat b/c it is going into starvation mode - how do I push through that? It scares the shit outta me. Why is my body making me do this to it? Why can't it just fucking cooperate?!

Just when I thought I was feeling positive about my results - jeans fitting looser, clothes looking a bit better - I stepped on the scale and now I'm dejected and angry and confused.

Lacing up my sneakers...gonna try to burn off this anger....

ONE MONTH

Well, a month and a bit - before I'm supposed to be at my first goal.

Meeting up with a great group of musicians to enjoy the show and do some photography for 'em out of town. I'm supposed to be semi-SMOKIN' hot by then. One fucking month away.

I've allowed myself to get cozy with the notion of "comfortable". Can NOT let that happen again.

What the hell was I thinking?

I'd like to thank the influx of images of skinny girls reminding my fat ass that summer's on the way for lighting a fire under me.

Off to a date with my elliptical....

I've let too much time slip away from me, with holding myself accountable on this blog like I had hoped to.

I'm not comfortable with this.

Especially when I see pics of stick-thin girls everywhere. And summer is coming.

I can't sit back and find reasons to be "ok" with my jeans fitting a bit looser. "Ok" isn't good enough. I can't let myself slip into being comfortable with it, that's when I lose control all over again.

I've been running a couple other blogs, and they've been occupying my time (I've been a writer for years, a published journalist, and in order to keep my skills up, I've had to focus on my other blogs for clients).

But HERE is where I can cut my "professionalism", where I can let loose and just be me - this ed-nos IS who I am, and no one but the readers of this blog will ever know.

It feels good to have this "home" here, a place to let it out....so to my followers, whether you read this or not, thank you for your support.

Got my sneakers laced up, a body twisted in pain - hoping some time on the elliptical won't kill me.

Fucked myself up.

Overdid it yesterday, and today I am in serious pain. Trying to push through, but it's too overwhelming.

Gave myself some good solid bruises with a rolling pin to punish myself for pushing too hard and screwing up everything.

Did some hardcore c/s and now I'm gonna go lie down with an ice pack.

I can't believe I did that to myself. So effin' pissed.

Whether it was a waste or not, here we are, nearly 11pm and I have had ZERO cardio all day.

It was so beautiful outside, I just wanted to open windows and this encouraged me to get a jump start on spring cleaning. I had hoped I could have broken it up with a DVD to watch while I hopped on the elliptical, but I ended up being so detailed in my cleaning (if I don't wash the walls, who will?) that I've come to this point. It's late, I'm tired.

I was fighting fatigue all day. Didn't want to nap away a beautiful potentially productive day, so to stave off hunger and keep me awake, I ate. Nothing too extreme, but enough to make me realize I needed more in my mouth than I was comfortable giving.

So I ended up c/s an entire fucking bag of cookies. There may or may not have been a bag of chips as well.

But because I'm home alone, I was able to sit down (and watch Celebrity Apprentice!) and just c/s right into a bowl on my lap. At the end of the bag of cookies, I looked into the mess in the bowl - the heap of masticated cookies made me feel pretty good - instead of that floating around in my body, this was in a bowl in my lap, AND I was satisfied, having conquered the need to chew and taste.

No one's home, I just threw another load of laundry in the wash. I'm gonna kick my butt into gear and get in some cardio, knowing my lax tea is waiting for me upstairs when I'm ready.

Hope everyone has a good night....

Well I do believe common sense (and a messy house!) will prevail - had another painful "sleep" last night, so severe lack of rest is playing a huge part on my decision-making today. Got myself a big ol' coffee on the way to the airport to drop off my fam. Now that I'm home again, I've decided I don't want to get out of my sweatpants or put make-up on.

Maybe my body being in horrible pain and keeping me up all night was thanks to my overactive brain that was plotting and scheming what today might hold. I have no desire to see ANYONE today, honestly I don't care WHAT my "crushes" think of me at this moment, I'm going to stay indoors, clean, OD on caffeine pills and coffee to rev up my heart and burn off excess energy on the treadmill.

Sounds like a good plan, yeah?

Decided against stepping on the scale today - will do tomorrow though.

I have a long ways to go if I want to be successful. Ideally, I will be 50lbs lighter - the lightest I have ever been in my adult life. 50lbs less from the point I'm at now. My first goal of 20lbs by the time I see my drummer friend in May is doable.

Laundry, coffee, and workouts galore! The sun is shining, I'm all alone with my music, I think today's going to be a good day!

Feeling positive......

"Like a complete unknown...."

Not sure why, but I have been SO tired lately (well, ok, I DO know - a slew of consecutive restless nights). Whatever, I dig it. As I said before, when I'm sleeping, I'm not eating.

Today though, I'm dizzy. Kinda making me rethink my pending cardio, but it's just so QUIET and nice to have this house all to myself, I wanna take advantage - crank my tunes, blast it out on the treadmill.

I found some old notes, when I used to keep my food journals a few yrs ago (before I got pregnant). I was 30LBS lighter then. Sigh. But I was consistent with my journaling, and I stuck to my plans. Just reviewing shit like that helps keep me grounded now, so I'm super happy I kept that book!

Decided to revisit some of my old habits - switch up my menu for the day, try to adopt the same exercise routine (Turbo Jam anyone?!) haha

So in an attempt to shake off my massive dizzy spell, I had 1/4c steel cut oats, 3 strawberries, and 3 hard boiled egg whites. Laxative tea and cayenne pepper pills: check. 195 cal. I can kill that off on the treadmill no problem. Already downed 1L of water. Downloaded some sweet new tunes onto my ipod, got my running shoes on, still feeling dizzy.

To get me revved and to put an end to the silence in this house (I LOVE it, but it's time to shake it off), I'm cranking some classic tunes.

Love.

Tackling my cardio - hope to kick some serious ass these next few days (taking the lead from the past few) so that come Sunday, I can get a proper number on my scale. Been afraid to. I have a general idea, but I wanna give myself a good, fair, clean start.

Oy, now it sounds like I'm procrastinating - ok treadmill, it's just you, me, and Bob Dylan:

**Post-cardio update (I have no more notebooks to track this with, so onto the blog she goes):

- add to my tally a can of sugar-free Rockstar (20cal): 215 cal

- 30 min treadmill: 248 cal burned

Would like to try to get in a bit more exercise, not now though - I am hurting and still cosmically dizzy - gonna go lie down. Supper will be spinach salad with a few dried cranberries, celery and tomatoes. 1tbsp of ff Italian dressing for 10cal, and I never need a full tbsp. 

Going to lie down now....

Had a minor panic attack last night...

DH left for what was only to be a brief trip to the car wash, but an hour passed and he still wasn't home. He had been acting a bit "off" all day. I began to get paranoid - he knows his way around a computer, and even though we each have our own macs, maybe he had to pop on mine for a quick second, and maybe he accidentally stumbled upon a link to my blog.

My head was racing - he wasn't answering his cell, or replying to my texts - I was scared to death he had found my blog and had lied to me about going to wash his car, instead planning some type of forced therapy on me or something with friends and family.

I was so paranoid. Heart was racing. He doesn't believe there is anything wrong, and sometimes I don't believe there is, either. I mean, honestly, don't ALL women go through this? I don't know of any woman who doesn't have issues with her body. Sure, I might be a bit more extensive in my pursuit of happiness, with the laxatives and the pills. And sure I hate that this consumes my mind and dictates how I feel and how I act and react. But don't all women diet? And isn't dieting the same as restricting? Of course, I would be hideously embarrassed if he knew about the c/s, me hurting myself, my thoughts, among other things...

I don't know.

Anyways, this stuff I put on here is just my way of getting it out - it's cathartic for me, and helps me keep my mind on track. If he came across it, I would feel so violated. I couldn't look him in the eye. Last night, I was prepping myself to almost walk out on him, planning what I would do with my DD, where I would go.

Turns out, he just made a stop at a store first, and didn't have his phone on him, and all was well.

WOW. Fucking paranoia.

But perhaps a good wake-up call regardless; I'm more cognizant of clearing my history and deleting links as I go.

I'm not ready for him to know. I'm not at a place yet where I can share this with him.

When I get there, and after I'm in that place securely and happily, I can tell him. But until then, I need to be more careful.

Getting in some cardio now before I do anything else - I think this is what will work best - after yesterday's session, the hunger was ravenous. This way, if I get it done first thing in the morning, I can shut it up with my 107 cal breakfast, and hopefully not eat again until my salad at dinner time.

Here we go!

Slept in. Nice to have a quiet house. Hope it stays like this for a long time. (When I'm sleeping, I'm not eating.)

Had 150 cal for breakfast/lunch. Just burned off 273 on the treadmill. First time in a while I've done some cardio. Feeling pain in my injury, so I have to call it quits for a bit. Don't wanna blow it right outta the gates, I need to/want to take it slow. Restriction is gonna be my saving grace.

Finally back on track

After a mixed bag of the uncontrollable shifting of priorities these past 6 weeks, I can refocus my energy and get my ednos back on track.

I have thought about it everyday, and tried to stay true to me, keeping my eyes on the prize (20 lbs in 2 months - HIGHLY doable, right? I think so...)

This is going to come primarily from restriction, with cardio where and when (and if) I can fit it in. Still recovering, going for more treatment, but I can't be a sloth, either.

Today was supposed to be my unofficial new start with my focus back on the ball, but yesterday I had a pity binge (followed up by doubled amounts of laxatives and pills). Was fully prepared to pay for it with snug jeans today, but THANK YOU BODY, it co-operated with me, and my jeans fit as per usual!

Sure was a wake-up call - put my body through hell and fully expected to pay for it, was regretting the turmoil and fearful of the shame it was going to put me through this morning. Man was I pleasantly surprised to see it hadn't retaliated! I will take care of you now, Body - I will treat you with all the care, restriction and discipline it deserves.

No more messing around, no more taking it for granted. Binges are not acceptable.

Discovered a wonderful new juice today. 10 cal/250ml.

Put a cup in a litre of water to not only make my water taste yummy, but to make those 10 cal stretch.

Also picked up some new fare for c&s, sugar-free jello, and fresh spinach.

Jello is in the fridge....jelling...???...lying awake when I know I'm tired, thinking about c&s...feeling hungry and tired. Flipped over to My 600lb Life.

Definitely supressing my hunger pangs. They look like how I feel.

Looking forward to jello tomorrow (it's lime) :)

So, so pretty. She is definitely ana, and it's working for her. Funny, stunning, successful. I want to be her (only I'm happy with my dark hair). 

Gorgeous.

Feeling a bit better about things today...gonna go with that momentum and hope for the best.

Stuck to mostly liquids yesterday, but I did eat a small supper with my hubby. Not the greatest choices either, but I had restriction ony mind the whole time, so u am cognizant of my surroundings and what I am doing, and that's important - not to let myself get swallowed up and jaded by hunger, to keep the bigger picture in focus.

Gonna go make more sugar-free jello - a nice cheat for my brain.

Peace and love!

Ahhhh, the familiar comforting pain of the laxative in my system - the cramping, the cold sweats, the shakes, the nausea....punishment for the way I look(ed in those pics from last night).

Convinced my friend to take them down. She obliged, but they are still in existence.

They will always serve as a reminder of my failure, my inability to succeed.

Today is a new day, a fresh start, a new plan of attack.

No more 1/2c fibre cereal for breakfast (my 90 cal for the first half of the day); nope, cutting that our, doing just unsweetened almond milk (35cal/cup), sugar-free jello (10cal/half cup), more laxatives and a small spinach salad for supper.

I'm a fucking failure, as past behaviours predict; however, the glorious thing about being alive is that I have another day to make a change.

I fucking hate myself.

Just when I feel good and let loose a little bit with friends, allow myself to get caught up in the fun and have a good time, someone's gotta take a picture of my fat ass and post it on facebook for all to see.

This is why I hate going out.

I thought this time might be different.

I was fucking wrong.

I fucked up.

Found this on a forum

It is amazing. I can relate to most of these points - it's refreshing to see that my confused state of mind finally has an anchor, a name. Validation.

Life with EDNOS

1. one day you’re eating 200 calories, and the next day you hit 2000 or more.

2. you feel like you don’t have a “real eating disorder.”

3. you try and tell people about your tortured food feelings, and they look at your healthy BMI and say: “mmm…yeah..well it can’t be that bad can it?”

4. you go through a lot of crap, and still end up the same weight that you were two years ago. (Which, of course, looks healthy and normal).

5. all this agony and you don’t get any validation from it — there’s nothing to SHOW what you’re going through; you don’t even get to be “thin.”

6. you’re an exercise freak but don’t get to see the benefits, because you’re a binger too. And, all those hours feel like a waste sometimes because you don’t have the beautiful body you ought to have.

7. you read these threads on the anorexia and bulimia boards and agree with everything, but still feel like you don’t fit there.

8. on a good day you go out to eat, and are instantly triggered by the girl that orders a side salad with dressing on the side.

9. you hate that no one notices all the shit you go through in your head because your weight hasn’t fluctuated enough to gain attention.

10. you can loose 10 pounds in 2 weeks …. then gain back 12 in a week.

11. one day you fast, and the next day you’re eating a weeks worth of food …. then comes the choice to purge or not to purge. On good days you do, and on bad days you eat more and crawl into bed.

12. you still control the bad food you eat - blotting the grease off pizza, drink diet coke with a “fatty” meal, have low calorie dressing on a fatty sandwich, etc.

13. when you’re really upset and can’t decide whether to restrict or binge.

14. you start every day with the intention of restricting your calories, have nothing until lunch, and then still fit in 2000 calories before bed.

15. you’re embarrased to tell people that you have an ED cause you’re at a “healthy” weight.

16. you try to secretly diagnose everyone you know with an ED.

17. you feel like you’re so fucked up/incompetent/worthless that you can’t do ANYTHING right/normally — not even develop an ED.

18. after a major binge you’re scared to drink water because you’ve gained enough weight already.

19. you feel like a fraud for having nothing to show for all your suffering.

20. you keep telling yourself tomorrow is a new day, and it never is.

21. even if you do try and diet somewhat “normally,” you loose nothing because your metabolism is so screwed from years of this shit.

22. over the last 11 years you have lost a total of 100 pounds, and gained about 90.

23. you starve/restrict all week knowing full well you’re probably going to binge on the weekend.

24. you can’t decide if it’s emptiness or bingeing that you crave the most.

25. you can’t sleep one night because your stomach is growling, and can’t sleep the next night because you’re so pissed at yourself for bingeing.

Well it was short but here's another just because it's god damn true

You know you are EDNOS when..
1. You starve all day, then binge when you get home, purge then eat a normall tea

2. You decline a boiled sweet from a friend because it has 25 calories only to buy 3 chocolate bars at the garage.

3. You fast for a few days, then eat normally for the next few.

4. Knowing that one day can be completely different to the next when it comes to food

5. putting on 5 pounds in 1 week only to loose it all the next week

++++

you're too fat for help, but not fat enough to be anything other than 'normal'.
When it feels more like a messed up diet than an eating disorder because you don't do anything 'properly'.
When you wish you had a 'real' disorder because then people might take you seriously.

++++

1. When you restrict restrict restrict until dizziness floods your mind, but your BMI is normal and is stuck there.

2. When you "binge" on 2,000 calories of cakes/chocolates/cookies while locked in the bathroom only to NOT swallow them but spit each sloppy huge bite into mounds of dixie paper cups you purchase regularly and hide inside sacks, boxes, etc so no one looking in the trash will see.

3. After C/S your throat hurts not from B/P but B/coughing up mucus/food that's slid down from C/S.

4. Restrict and restrict until you BINGE w/o P all day Sunday b/c you know your body has to be tricked it's not starving.

5. People telling you they see your bones but your BMI is twenty-fucking-three and you just don't see how the bones sticking out warrants a BMI of 23.

6. Hating yourself when you have a 'snack' after work of 3 wheat saltines to avoid fainting after your hour cardio workout and feel you failed.

7. Not able to NOT eat dinner, but not able to purge after. Feel, then, like you can't do a damn thing right.

8. Telling your therapist (finally) you C/S and they say......oh, uh huh...... hum...... and ask anorexic questions which some answers are yes and some answer are no.

Busy days...

With lots to keep me busy, I have to remind myself to eat - which is both a blessing and a curse.

I feel I am on the very precipice of this ED, with the capability to slip off and go full-on ana. I'm not there, I can't be there. To be honest, I DON'T wanna be there. Not yet. It's not time for that just yet. I can hear her whispering to me though...

But being EDNOS-R, I feel as though I HAVE to eat SOMETHING to keep my metabolism going, otherwise my body will go into "fat-storage" mode, and that scares the ever-loving shit outta me. I know I could just up my exercise to offset it all (to be quite honest, I would have to do more research on this - maybe what I think would happen and how to counteract it isn't exactly what WOULD happen and what I SHOULD be doing). But that's where I'm at now - the sheer capacity of my stomach has decreased to the point where a small salad of naked spinach leaves fills me up. There's no room.

And I have no excuse to not eat with my family. For the most part, I will prepare supper and when my husband comes home, I will tell him to go ahead and eat with our daughter, I'm just too exhausted from my day to join them. But I can't do that everyday. He is good at not paying attention though; he doesn't notice I'm not eating half the stuff I make for him and our girl, and that there's hardly any food on my plate. He doesn't think to question, doesn't pick up on it.

When I used to live at home, before I was married, this was an issue.

I hated every fucking moment of meal times.

But fast forward to today - hubby continues to compliment more and more. Clothes feeling a bit looser.

Not loose enough.

Never loose enough.

Being so busy lately, and for the next couple of weeks, I find I can live off of c&s exclusively. Taking all  my pills as I go, and following up with my magic tea, and I am golden. Too busy to exercise every day the conventional way, so I get to be creative and make it work for me regardless - gotta keep moving.

Busy days......

The silver lining...

...if there HAS to be one, is that I didn't gain.

Three days ago, I decided to bite the bullet and step on a scale. I hadn't done that since well before the holidays. I knew I did a lot of damage, I was just afraid to see exactly how much.

Well, as atrocious as it is, it's not as bad as I thought.

Still nowhere near my comfort zone, but I was relieved to not see the number on the scale that I had visualized in my head.

I'm still disgusted with myself.

So now that I'm officially tracking my numbers again, I am only down 0.5lb in 2 days. Frustrating, and expected, I suppose, since I'm not very active with my fucking injury holding me back. But 0.5lb loss is better than a gain, so if I have to find a silver lining, I suppose that's it.

Can't complain...

On paper, I clocked in at 462.5 cal.

Unofficially, probably just over 500. Def under 600.

(Have to account for whatever slid down my throat during my c&s today.)

Found out today that ONE PECAN had 34 cal. ONE!!!

Little fuckers....I used to put a few on my spinach salad. 'Twas a good crunch. Now I'll have to find something else. Or just break one up into a hundred little pieces. Unbelieveable. (How many cal can I burn by smashing a fucking pecan?!?!)

Hubby left a bag of cookies on the counter, so that was what greeted me this morning.

C&S'd a row from the tray.

Breakfast: 1/2c bran cereal = 90 cal + 1/2c unsweetened almond milk 17.5 cal = 107.5 cal

Feeling very sore but I'm going to attempt to tackle the elliptical for 2-30min spurts. More than 30 min at a time hurts me too much.

Then to sit in the sauna for an hour while I watch Thor (mmmmmmm Chris Hemsworth....)

I can't love, shot full of holes

Don't feel nothing, I just feel cold

Don't feel nothing, just old scars

Toughening up around my heart

I fucking failed.

The restaurant was FULL of thinspiration - not the patrons so much, but the waitresses.

Of course, they would have to be, to drum up the type of classy, good-looking upper-crust-type customers who are known to frequent that place.

Our waitress was gorgeous. Almost everything I want to be. Bad attitude, but totally hot bod.

I didn't need her to help me stick to a dinner salad - I would've ordered that from an obese waitress.

But I'm mad at myself for munching along with DH on the goat cheese appetizer (I only had a few bites - I had liquid-fasted all day in preparation for my dinner, but the moment my fucking 9oz of wine showed up, and I started sipping on it, and the convo with DH was good, I found myself munching) - I became mindful of it - cognizant - taking my bites, slow and calculated, ensuring DH wouldn't pick up on anything and allowing him to devour more of it, so there'd be less for me.

Then my dinner salad showed up - full of greens, littered with pecans, a smattering of goat cheese, quinoa, and some grilled chicken slices. I don't think I could ever go full-tilt on ana - at least with my restrictions, I am allowed a little indulgence to keep my metabolism chugging and satisfy my taste buds.

My stomach fills up fast, so I can't eat much when I do - but last night, fucking wine, I just kept eating.

I was BEYOND full. Like, fat, bloated, gross-full.

Why the FUCK did I do that?

I came home and took my CLA and whatever else I could find in my cupboard (too late after the fact, but whatever damage control I could find, I was doing it). Took my laxatives.

Woke up still feeling gross, like I was a fucking ball of grease.

So much disgust.

To fucking top it off, I went to my parent's place to pick up DD (she overnighted), and my mom kept throwing food at me. Knowing my history with them and my old eating habits, I indulged her - felt like it was going to spiral out of control! Snacking here, a few more there - been restricting lots, so ONE day won't kill me.

Now I feel like a goddamn whale. Been pumping CLA and ginger and water and stool softener, my laxative tea's ready to rock in a bit. So here I sit, sipping my Benefiber-infused water, scrolling through thinspo online, cursing myself for my fuck ups, but still trying to hold myself together. Tomorrow is a new day.

Tomorrow is all about 300 cal.

Tomorrow, no one will be home. I can try the elliptical again. Keep moving. Drink more. Eat less.

No dickin' around. This is bullshit, y'know?

Something to keep in mind while I decide what I'm gonna do...

So tired...

...but finally a date night. DD is at the babysitter's.

DH and I have a chance to go out.

I'm excited about doing my hair and gettin' all dressed up - riddled with anxiety over what I'm gonna do - we're going out to EAT. I don't want to - but I also don't NOT want to....doesn't make a lick of sense, I know....do I just have a big ol' glass of wine instead and sip slowly? Too obvious?

Sigh....

I'll figure it out when I get there.....

Fuck.

Anyone else ever accidentally mistake astringent for eye make-up remover?

ARGH!!!!!!! Sonuva!!!! lol

And so it begins.

Been back to my restrictive ways for -  how long now? - and just as I'd predicted, hubby is suddenly pulling the ol' "Wow, you look good" outta the bag again.

Love him, but he is completely oblivious.

Maybe that's part of the reason why I love him.

I can do what I want, and he won't pick up on it.

I could probably cheat on him, and he'd never figure it out.

(I wouldn't - I COULDN'T - but again, I just want to get to the point where I know the option would be there.) So bizarre, I know.

He accidentally found out about my addiction to ephedrine, and that was the only time I was actually concerned, the only time he really got mad at me (that sounds so condescending), but he actually threatened to leave me if I continued. I was pissed off that he'd found out about them (no, I was pissed off at my laziness about them to lead him to that discovery). But since then, it's been smooth sailing. It's come to the point where I could c&s literally behind his back, 2 ft away from him, and he would never know.

He's even picked up laxatives for me when he goes to the grocery store!

If he found out what was going on...doesn't matter. He's complimenting me again. Doesn't realize he never did as much before, but the fact is, he's doing it more so now.

It's working just like I had hoped it would. I'm well on my way to some better numbers on the scale by the time I travel east next month to meet up with my friend.

I could c&s this entire bag...

Ran some errands, kept myself busy and energized, felt I deserved something special.

And I found just the right thing for the right price! Can't go wrong! I grew up with these cookies in the house, and they just happened to be on sale today! :)

A nice little treat to c&s - sat in my car in the empty park, watched the fluffy snowflakes swirl around my car, and filled the plastic bag that sat on my lap as I enjoyed my indulgence.

Nice little break for myself. Now, back to the grind...

Had a horrible dream.

I was stuffing my face with French fries.

I don't even LIKE French fries.

And these ones were disgusting - McD's, cold, transparent with oil, so so salty....I can still taste them now that I'm awake. And I feel so repulsive. Fat, gross, disgusting.

Who dreams about shoveling food into their faces?

The taste lingers - I feel like throwing up.

Good thing about my meds is that they help me sleep.

And when I'm sleeping, I'm not thinking about eating.

And now that I'm up, it's time for my energy drink, and maybe I'll run some errands., then it's time for my family to come home, and soon after, it will be time to take more pills to help me sleep tonight.

My injury really has been a blessing in disguise.

Just sayin'.....

TV is a funny thing.

Maybe not "ha ha" funny - but the back-to-back adverts laden with contradictions could really screw with a person's mind.

Especially when that person's already partially fucked up.

Commercials for exercise products and weight loss programs - the befores-and-afters. Brilliant. Thinspiration. Directly followed up with commercials for food - more specifically, this time, cheese - a mom uses a particular blend of cheeses to make a delicious lasagna for her loving family. The lasagna is great, she is the hero.

Makes me feel pathetic, and THAT - allowing some shitty commercial to bring me down - makes me feel angry.

I recognize I am probably cheating my family out of that. I don't make that for supper. If I made meals like that for my family, I could never be the "after" image I picture in my head, like the ones I see on TV during the commercials before the cheesy lasagna advert.

Because of my mind, I find myself leaning on my injury quite a bit around supper time (the time of day when the whole family is together again) - using my injury as a crutch so that I don't have to prepare something elaborate - something I should normally have no excuse not to eat. But I know if I do make it, the raging voices in my head will scream at me for eating just a bite, and I'll feel like shit for the rest of the evening, and I'll have to punish myself with laxatives. And I really don't enjoy that.

So to save MYself from abuse, I'll whip up KD for my hubby and my toddler, with a side of veggies (I'll fill up their bowls with KD so if I have to eat, I'll just munch on the leftover veggies - I'm a great mom and wife, making sure my family is fed before me!) Yeah right.

I do feel bad for cheating my family out of meals like that. The commercials reflect the happiness in a family as they sit around the table at dinnertime, reveling in the fantastic meal the mom prepared, laughing, enjoying each other's company. There are times when I will do something special, but I know cooked-from-scratch should be more of a regular occurrence, as opposed to something just saved for a "special occasion".

Feeling guilty for my family.....gotta stay strong for me.....

Thinspo

After the joke that was this past weekend, which also marked the official conclusion of the food-consumption requirement (thanks to the constant presence of family for events), it's Monday morning - start to a new week at the start of a new year.

Breaking the fast with 1/2 c of bran cereal for 90 cal followed by a cup of laxative tea flavoured with strawberry Benefibre powder (15 cal). 105 cal by 9:30am.

Gonna do an hour on the elliptical, stretch it out, and then relax in my sauna before hitting up the bath tub for a deep soak.

Sounds divine - that's the plan for the day. Staying focused. I have a goal - meeting a friend in a different city next month. I see him very sporadically, don't want his lasting impression of me to be "that fat girl". "Gonna go have a drink with that big girl from up north."

500 cal a day. Here we go.

Fuck.

I'm sick of my thin friend who is in the "business" of weight loss.

Making money off the sale of shakes.

People lose weight because it's CALORIE RESTRICTION and they're paying through their noses for this.

My friends are false nutritionists, ripping people off to make a buck.

Damn that's smart - wish I was able to cheat people like that too.

Fuckfuckfuck.

The festivities are finally over.

And I feel like curling up in a ball and crying until I vomit.

Ate hardly anything all day yesterday - nothing at all until the party, when ppl were watching me and telling me to try the cake that I was raving about. But I didn't go overboard.

I thought I was looking decent.

Until this morning, when I got a bunch of pics from the party emailed to me.

SO glad someone was able to take pics - I was too busy running the party to capture any moments myself - and despite my attempts at avoiding the camera, part of me WANTED to be in a pic with my birthday girl. For the sake of posterity I suppose.

But now, after seeing the pics, I am disgusted. I look horrible.

So much work to do.

But there's no point in dwelling on how negative these pics are. I know I have to change. These are just reinforcement of that.

This is a blessing in disguise - now I have the time to kick up my laxative intake and severely restrict and even try to get in some cardio and some weights, despite my injury. Gotta forge ahead.

Got my cayenne pepper pills, my CLA, ginger - I have to do this. No more excuses.

Stopping the screaming in my head and commencing operation fake smile....

Livin' like a/off Rockstar. Whatevs.

2 cans for a grand total of 40 cal today. Plus a bit of c&s this morning to give my brain some false sense of satiety and to grant my body the oral fixation of shoving food into my face.

Have to do party prep for my child's bday party - this consists of food prep. Good thing I'm too tired to think about being hungry, even though my knee-jerk reaction is to sample as I go. Just gotta plow through this as quick as I can so I can move on to other things - like resting, for one. Yesterday's procedure, and then the pills I took last night to help me sleep, still have me knocked on my ass.

Would slit throats for a shot at lying down.

Hubby says to leave stuff for him, but I'm a control freak - if I want something done, I'm the only one who can do it the way it needs to get done. Mind you, how badly can he screw up blowing up balloons?

Can't wait for this weekend to be over! (Mostly b/c I've been planning this party for months and my 4yr old is gonna FLIP!!!)

:)

40 little calories today. Gonna go chug some Benefiber-laden water and get my ass in gear.

Not bad for my first crack at the old ways

Definitely restricted today.

Not enough water though.

One day at a time. I can't expect to pick up where I left off after such a long hiatus .... right?

But I am afraid to fail. I ended up c&s some leftover sweets (was go an take a pic of the mess on the paper towel to remind me that this shit would otherwise be floating around in my body. Gross.) but I didn't. Could make for good negative reinforcement though!

Spinach leaves with a bit of cheese for protein. A splash of ff sun-dried tomato dressing for cohesiveness (next time I will lose that part). Tea and water, bit nearly enough of the latter.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Busy weekend coming up - my only child has a bday party on Sat that I have been planning for months. Stress will subside on Sunday afternoon.

Until then, I have to stay focused and keep my eyes on the prize.

Such bullshit. All the effort and time I put into thinking about how ugly my body is, and how I must punish myself for eating (steady abuse of laxative tea for starters - should only take 1 tea bag a week - I take 4 a day - the stomach cramps and cold sweats and shakes, and crazy bowel evac reminds me that I did this to myself. If I just didn't EAT, I wouldn't have to evacuate my innards so viciously).

All this energy is expended on me. So very selfish.

This is my life.

I'm married to a great man, and I'm lucky to have him, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to be wanted by other men. I would never cheat. I just need to know that the option would be there, that I could be desirable enough, that when my DH says I am beautiful, that I believe it. (I married a man who is nice = obligated to compliment.)

Wow maybe I should cease this novel and try to sleep....thinspo dreams!

Disaster averted...for now...

Fighting off the looming hunger pangs and trying to get my stomach readjusted to restriction is best done in the solace of my home, where I've tossed most everything otherwise tempting away.

Unfortunately, when I'm NOT at home, my temptation gets tested - much as it was not even an hour ago, and I stayed strong.

At the store, dropping off my prescription, and picking up a 4pk of S/F Rockstar, I see in my peripheral some soft cake-type cookies on sale. SALE (how do I turn down a good sale, for starters? That in and of itself takes great willpower!).

These cookies I'm familiar with - they're what I would c&s with back when my restricting was under control.

I had to fight not only the giant SALE sign a mere few feet away from me, but the growls from my stomach BEGGING for me to put those cookies in there.

Then, as I waited in line, I started to debate (as much as I try to keep myself distracted, I can't help but negotiate with myself). I could buy them and use them to c&s as I used to. No big deal!

But with my stomach being as angry as it is for neglecting it, I fear I might "accidentally" let some masticated bits slide down my throat.

It's only 1:40pm, back on my first day of restriction - I knew it would be tough. But thankfully I don't have to go out anywhere for a while. Maybe I can even just sleep (I had a procedure this morning anyways, so I am kinda weak and beat up) until it's time to head out.

And then I'll sip on a S/F Rockstar on my travels.

Supper might be tough - soup, perhaps? I might still have some broth somewhere....

Back to my little victory - yay me! Suck it, cakesters! No one wants your bullshit! (Not today, anyway!)

Pity, though - if I had to c&s, I'd rather it'd be on sale items instead of on some shit I have to pay full price for. But such is life, I suppose - if you want something bad enough, you've got to pay the price.

Nothing good in life is cheap (or easy)  ;)

Today's life lesson! Now off to nap my stomach grumblies away!

The last time I severely restricted (stopping only just recently - around Christmastime, when families do their thang and get together and eat and drink), I was on the right track.

For the first time in a long time, my hubby would make comments about how good I looked. Not that he never did before, but now, he would do it more regularly.

My marshmallow hips were leaning out, my muffin top was almost non-existent.

Then along came wine and fruitcake, and my mindset shifted - "if I could do it once, and I know restricting works, then I'll allow myself to enjoy this time, in moderation, with my family's cooking, and just restrict again after the holidays."

Sounded like a good plan, only then my stomach became used to getting food.

And I haven't heard any WOW comments from the hubby lately.

And my muffin top has reappeared.

And I've started freaking out again - knowing what I was going to do was the easy part. But actually following through with restricting has been a bit of a challenge. My stomach won't shut up.

I know it'll be a bit of a fight, but if I did it once, then hell I will - no, HAVE TO - do it again.

I figured I should give my stomach something to break the fast and keep my metabolism up, so 1/4 c of Raisin Bran for a good 45 cal start to my day, and a 473ml can of Sugar Free Rockstar for a whopping 20cal on top of that.

Maybe I'll pick up some unsweetened almond milk on my way home from the doctor's this morning. Low cal liquid fast is what I'm craving.

That empty, hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach. Love it.

Here's some thinspo for the day - good for LeAnn Rimes for losing all her chubby and finding her inner ana. So beautiful!

1:40am.

Stomach is growling so loudly, it's keeping me awake.

Trying to distract myself with some show on overpopulation.

Gonna win this battle. (Doesn't look like humanity will 50yrs from now, though!)

Oy!

Love.

Maybe not a fan of her music, or her lifestyle choices, but I love her look - and if she can go from "average" to waif, and still look this rock glam, then she is my thinspiration.

It's time.

I've been peeking around at other pro-ana/ed-nos blogs, and I've decided that it's time I start up my own.

Maybe to help others, like others' blogs have helped me when I needed to search for a light in this dark, messy confusion that has been my mindset for years. Maybe to help only me, to give me clarity as I purge my thoughts and vent my disappointments.

Or more honestly, to hold myself accountable and help me stick to my ultimate goal of being lighter tomorrow than I am today.

On the surface, everything's just fine. I am outgoing, funny, have an incredibly wonderful husband, a beautiful and healthy little girl.

On the inside, I scream at myself everyday.

I wake up hating myself for having eaten the day before. I fight back tears as I find myself powerless to swallowing the food I put in my mouth - my chew/spit vs actual consumption ratio varies from day to day. Some days I can pull it off no problem. But there are times when I find weakness, and knowing there is food in my body - that I put it there - makes me angry.

An injury over a year ago has prevented me from maintaining my healthy lifestyle - I used to run every day. Lift weights. Eat healthy. Then I became injured, and I couldn't run. I put on weight. I hate myself.

A lifetime of food issues, of people teasing me - I was never obese, but I was never a stick, either.  I am "normal". "Average" maybe. But I don't want to be average. Everyone's average. I want to be different. I want to be the one that people notice. I long to be a waif - all this, I have to take into account.

It's time to stop dicking around and take my life into my own hands now. Can't blame my injury. If I can't exercise like I used to, I can certainly control my food consumption (or lack thereof).

Only this blog and its readers know the truth. To everyone else, everything's just fine.