Restricted in EVERYTHING :(

Well just as I feared/expected, the pain of my injury is flaring up, and I'm out of commission.

I have no choice but to lie down. This sucks!

Calorie restriction is great, but when I'm FORCED to cut back on my exercise, I'm NOT happy.

Last night, while I was talking to DH after our DD went to sleep, I grabbed a handful of jujubes, without even thinking about it, and popped them into my mouth, one by one.

They tasted sooooo good.

And after I had finished eating them, and the pure enjoyment of the taste was washed over by anger about what I had just done, I immediately began to try figuring out how many damn calories that was.

I was afraid to know. I still don't know for sure, how many did I eat? It was almost like that part of my brain shut off so I could just pop them in without a second thought. The aftertaste made me angry. I felt like such an idiot - how could I not just, at one point throughout the process of walking over to the jar, unscrewing the lid, sticking my fat fingers into it, grabbing a handful, pulling my hand out, replacing the lid and screwing it back on, how could I NOT have been cognizant of what the fuck I was doing and STOP MYSELF.

My lax tea didn't solve anything, but the pain of it made me feel better. That's what I get for not being more aware.

Well, I suppose I should get my bed rest on. Fucking sucks - what the fuck can I do!

Figure out ways to create a homemade lipo-kit....

Thank you Venus for your advice - I used this past weekend to up my calories (hoping all that tequila from that Cinco de Mayo party sufficed!) and then after minor indulgences at a kid's bday party yesterday (a piece of cake maybe 4" combined dimensions, with a heaping tbsp of vanilla ice cream!), I loaded up on my special tea and hunkered down for the night.

Only managed to snag 30 min of cardio in over the past 2 days - they were very, very busy days....

This morning greeted me with vicious stomach cramps, shakes and cold sweats - a feeling that I hate to love. Really, what normal person craves that feeling?

That's my way of punishing myself for eating. And it's a good feeling. If my body wants to betray me by holding onto the weight, or throwing me into a c&s binge, then I'm gonna take the reigns and make it hurt. And acknowledging that only I have the power to change that feels great.

Sucky thing is, this weekend strained my injury, so I fear I'm bed-ridden today. Good thing I'm back to restricting today.

Started the day off with my 150 cal steel cut oats, about 10 cal for berries and with my 2 egg whites, I've rounded up a total of 177 cal.

Trying to fight this pain from my injury, but I don't think I can do anything about it. At least not today.

Going to pop some sleeping pills, that way I won't have to wake up until everyone comes home later on today. And if I'm sleeping, I can't be eating. ;)

Have a great day everyone! :)

Home alone....

Just knocked out 30 min of cardio on the treadmill, burned 252 cal.

Not a whole helluva lot. Feeling the pain in my injury, but I can't very well just lie around and let myself swell and bloat - errr, "heal".

So I'm cranking tunes and I'm gonna rock out some strength training. 

Breakfast and lunch down, and 379 cal in my body pre burn - 127 cal left to get rid of now.

No one's home. Time to bust it out. 

Anger, resentment, the story of my life

I'm so confused.

And pissed off.

I have been restricting for a very long time, but my weight has gone UP.

I don't fucking understand!!!! Can someone pls explain this to me?

I know your body reaches a point where it hoards fat b/c it is going into starvation mode - how do I push through that? It scares the shit outta me. Why is my body making me do this to it? Why can't it just fucking cooperate?!

Just when I thought I was feeling positive about my results - jeans fitting looser, clothes looking a bit better - I stepped on the scale and now I'm dejected and angry and confused.

Lacing up my sneakers...gonna try to burn off this anger....

ONE MONTH

Well, a month and a bit - before I'm supposed to be at my first goal.

Meeting up with a great group of musicians to enjoy the show and do some photography for 'em out of town. I'm supposed to be semi-SMOKIN' hot by then. One fucking month away.

I've allowed myself to get cozy with the notion of "comfortable". Can NOT let that happen again.

What the hell was I thinking?

I'd like to thank the influx of images of skinny girls reminding my fat ass that summer's on the way for lighting a fire under me.

Off to a date with my elliptical....

I've let too much time slip away from me, with holding myself accountable on this blog like I had hoped to.

I'm not comfortable with this.

Especially when I see pics of stick-thin girls everywhere. And summer is coming.

I can't sit back and find reasons to be "ok" with my jeans fitting a bit looser. "Ok" isn't good enough. I can't let myself slip into being comfortable with it, that's when I lose control all over again.

I've been running a couple other blogs, and they've been occupying my time (I've been a writer for years, a published journalist, and in order to keep my skills up, I've had to focus on my other blogs for clients).

But HERE is where I can cut my "professionalism", where I can let loose and just be me - this ed-nos IS who I am, and no one but the readers of this blog will ever know.

It feels good to have this "home" here, a place to let it out....so to my followers, whether you read this or not, thank you for your support.

Got my sneakers laced up, a body twisted in pain - hoping some time on the elliptical won't kill me.

Fucked myself up.

Overdid it yesterday, and today I am in serious pain. Trying to push through, but it's too overwhelming.

Gave myself some good solid bruises with a rolling pin to punish myself for pushing too hard and screwing up everything.

Did some hardcore c/s and now I'm gonna go lie down with an ice pack.

I can't believe I did that to myself. So effin' pissed.