Discovered a wonderful new juice today. 10 cal/250ml.
Put a cup in a litre of water to not only make my water taste yummy, but to make those 10 cal stretch.
Also picked up some new fare for c&s, sugar-free jello, and fresh spinach.
Jello is in the fridge....jelling...???...lying awake when I know I'm tired, thinking about c&s...feeling hungry and tired. Flipped over to My 600lb Life.
Definitely supressing my hunger pangs. They look like how I feel.
Looking forward to jello tomorrow (it's lime) :)
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
Feeling a bit better about things today...gonna go with that momentum and hope for the best.
Stuck to mostly liquids yesterday, but I did eat a small supper with my hubby. Not the greatest choices either, but I had restriction ony mind the whole time, so u am cognizant of my surroundings and what I am doing, and that's important - not to let myself get swallowed up and jaded by hunger, to keep the bigger picture in focus.
Gonna go make more sugar-free jello - a nice cheat for my brain.
Peace and love!
Stuck to mostly liquids yesterday, but I did eat a small supper with my hubby. Not the greatest choices either, but I had restriction ony mind the whole time, so u am cognizant of my surroundings and what I am doing, and that's important - not to let myself get swallowed up and jaded by hunger, to keep the bigger picture in focus.
Gonna go make more sugar-free jello - a nice cheat for my brain.
Peace and love!
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Ahhhh, the familiar comforting pain of the laxative in my system - the cramping, the cold sweats, the shakes, the nausea....punishment for the way I look(ed in those pics from last night).
Convinced my friend to take them down. She obliged, but they are still in existence.
They will always serve as a reminder of my failure, my inability to succeed.
Today is a new day, a fresh start, a new plan of attack.
No more 1/2c fibre cereal for breakfast (my 90 cal for the first half of the day); nope, cutting that our, doing just unsweetened almond milk (35cal/cup), sugar-free jello (10cal/half cup), more laxatives and a small spinach salad for supper.
I'm a fucking failure, as past behaviours predict; however, the glorious thing about being alive is that I have another day to make a change.
Convinced my friend to take them down. She obliged, but they are still in existence.
They will always serve as a reminder of my failure, my inability to succeed.
Today is a new day, a fresh start, a new plan of attack.
No more 1/2c fibre cereal for breakfast (my 90 cal for the first half of the day); nope, cutting that our, doing just unsweetened almond milk (35cal/cup), sugar-free jello (10cal/half cup), more laxatives and a small spinach salad for supper.
I'm a fucking failure, as past behaviours predict; however, the glorious thing about being alive is that I have another day to make a change.
I fucking hate myself.
Just when I feel good and let loose a little bit with friends, allow myself to get caught up in the fun and have a good time, someone's gotta take a picture of my fat ass and post it on facebook for all to see.
This is why I hate going out.
I thought this time might be different.
I was fucking wrong.
I fucked up.
Just when I feel good and let loose a little bit with friends, allow myself to get caught up in the fun and have a good time, someone's gotta take a picture of my fat ass and post it on facebook for all to see.
This is why I hate going out.
I thought this time might be different.
I was fucking wrong.
I fucked up.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Found this on a forum
It is amazing. I can relate to most of these points - it's refreshing to see that my confused state of mind finally has an anchor, a name. Validation.
Life with EDNOS
1. one day you’re eating 200 calories, and the next day you hit 2000 or more.
2. you feel like you don’t have a “real eating disorder.”
3. you try and tell people about your tortured food feelings, and they look at your healthy BMI and say: “mmm…yeah..well it can’t be that bad can it?”
4. you go through a lot of crap, and still end up the same weight that you were two years ago. (Which, of course, looks healthy and normal).
5. all this agony and you don’t get any validation from it — there’s nothing to SHOW what you’re going through; you don’t even get to be “thin.”
6. you’re an exercise freak but don’t get to see the benefits, because you’re a binger too. And, all those hours feel like a waste sometimes because you don’t have the beautiful body you ought to have.
7. you read these threads on the anorexia and bulimia boards and agree with everything, but still feel like you don’t fit there.
8. on a good day you go out to eat, and are instantly triggered by the girl that orders a side salad with dressing on the side.
9. you hate that no one notices all the shit you go through in your head because your weight hasn’t fluctuated enough to gain attention.
10. you can loose 10 pounds in 2 weeks …. then gain back 12 in a week.
11. one day you fast, and the next day you’re eating a weeks worth of food …. then comes the choice to purge or not to purge. On good days you do, and on bad days you eat more and crawl into bed.
12. you still control the bad food you eat - blotting the grease off pizza, drink diet coke with a “fatty” meal, have low calorie dressing on a fatty sandwich, etc.
13. when you’re really upset and can’t decide whether to restrict or binge.
14. you start every day with the intention of restricting your calories, have nothing until lunch, and then still fit in 2000 calories before bed.
15. you’re embarrased to tell people that you have an ED cause you’re at a “healthy” weight.
16. you try to secretly diagnose everyone you know with an ED.
17. you feel like you’re so fucked up/incompetent/worthless that you can’t do ANYTHING right/normally — not even develop an ED.
18. after a major binge you’re scared to drink water because you’ve gained enough weight already.
19. you feel like a fraud for having nothing to show for all your suffering.
20. you keep telling yourself tomorrow is a new day, and it never is.
21. even if you do try and diet somewhat “normally,” you loose nothing because your metabolism is so screwed from years of this shit.
22. over the last 11 years you have lost a total of 100 pounds, and gained about 90.
23. you starve/restrict all week knowing full well you’re probably going to binge on the weekend.
24. you can’t decide if it’s emptiness or bingeing that you crave the most.
25. you can’t sleep one night because your stomach is growling, and can’t sleep the next night because you’re so pissed at yourself for bingeing.
Well it was short but here's another just because it's god damn true
You know you are EDNOS when..
1. You starve all day, then binge when you get home, purge then eat a normall tea
2. You decline a boiled sweet from a friend because it has 25 calories only to buy 3 chocolate bars at the garage.
3. You fast for a few days, then eat normally for the next few.
4. Knowing that one day can be completely different to the next when it comes to food
5. putting on 5 pounds in 1 week only to loose it all the next week
++++
you're too fat for help, but not fat enough to be anything other than 'normal'.
When it feels more like a messed up diet than an eating disorder because you don't do anything 'properly'.
When you wish you had a 'real' disorder because then people might take you seriously.
1. When you restrict restrict restrict until dizziness floods your mind, but your BMI is normal and is stuck there.
2. When you "binge" on 2,000 calories of cakes/chocolates/cookies while locked in the bathroom only to NOT swallow them but spit each sloppy huge bite into mounds of dixie paper cups you purchase regularly and hide inside sacks, boxes, etc so no one looking in the trash will see.
Life with EDNOS
1. one day you’re eating 200 calories, and the next day you hit 2000 or more.
2. you feel like you don’t have a “real eating disorder.”
3. you try and tell people about your tortured food feelings, and they look at your healthy BMI and say: “mmm…yeah..well it can’t be that bad can it?”
4. you go through a lot of crap, and still end up the same weight that you were two years ago. (Which, of course, looks healthy and normal).
5. all this agony and you don’t get any validation from it — there’s nothing to SHOW what you’re going through; you don’t even get to be “thin.”
6. you’re an exercise freak but don’t get to see the benefits, because you’re a binger too. And, all those hours feel like a waste sometimes because you don’t have the beautiful body you ought to have.
7. you read these threads on the anorexia and bulimia boards and agree with everything, but still feel like you don’t fit there.
8. on a good day you go out to eat, and are instantly triggered by the girl that orders a side salad with dressing on the side.
9. you hate that no one notices all the shit you go through in your head because your weight hasn’t fluctuated enough to gain attention.
10. you can loose 10 pounds in 2 weeks …. then gain back 12 in a week.
11. one day you fast, and the next day you’re eating a weeks worth of food …. then comes the choice to purge or not to purge. On good days you do, and on bad days you eat more and crawl into bed.
12. you still control the bad food you eat - blotting the grease off pizza, drink diet coke with a “fatty” meal, have low calorie dressing on a fatty sandwich, etc.
13. when you’re really upset and can’t decide whether to restrict or binge.
14. you start every day with the intention of restricting your calories, have nothing until lunch, and then still fit in 2000 calories before bed.
15. you’re embarrased to tell people that you have an ED cause you’re at a “healthy” weight.
16. you try to secretly diagnose everyone you know with an ED.
17. you feel like you’re so fucked up/incompetent/worthless that you can’t do ANYTHING right/normally — not even develop an ED.
18. after a major binge you’re scared to drink water because you’ve gained enough weight already.
19. you feel like a fraud for having nothing to show for all your suffering.
20. you keep telling yourself tomorrow is a new day, and it never is.
21. even if you do try and diet somewhat “normally,” you loose nothing because your metabolism is so screwed from years of this shit.
22. over the last 11 years you have lost a total of 100 pounds, and gained about 90.
23. you starve/restrict all week knowing full well you’re probably going to binge on the weekend.
24. you can’t decide if it’s emptiness or bingeing that you crave the most.
25. you can’t sleep one night because your stomach is growling, and can’t sleep the next night because you’re so pissed at yourself for bingeing.
Well it was short but here's another just because it's god damn true
You know you are EDNOS when..
1. You starve all day, then binge when you get home, purge then eat a normall tea
2. You decline a boiled sweet from a friend because it has 25 calories only to buy 3 chocolate bars at the garage.
3. You fast for a few days, then eat normally for the next few.
4. Knowing that one day can be completely different to the next when it comes to food
5. putting on 5 pounds in 1 week only to loose it all the next week
++++
you're too fat for help, but not fat enough to be anything other than 'normal'.
When it feels more like a messed up diet than an eating disorder because you don't do anything 'properly'.
When you wish you had a 'real' disorder because then people might take you seriously.
++++
1. When you restrict restrict restrict until dizziness floods your mind, but your BMI is normal and is stuck there.
2. When you "binge" on 2,000 calories of cakes/chocolates/cookies while locked in the bathroom only to NOT swallow them but spit each sloppy huge bite into mounds of dixie paper cups you purchase regularly and hide inside sacks, boxes, etc so no one looking in the trash will see.
3. After C/S your throat hurts not from B/P but B/coughing up mucus/food that's slid down from C/S.
4. Restrict and restrict until you BINGE w/o P all day Sunday b/c you know your body has to be tricked it's not starving.
5. People telling you they see your bones but your BMI is twenty-fucking-three and you just don't see how the bones sticking out warrants a BMI of 23.
6. Hating yourself when you have a 'snack' after work of 3 wheat saltines to avoid fainting after your hour cardio workout and feel you failed.
7. Not able to NOT eat dinner, but not able to purge after. Feel, then, like you can't do a damn thing right.
8. Telling your therapist (finally) you C/S and they say......oh, uh huh...... hum...... and ask anorexic questions which some answers are yes and some answer are no.
Busy days...
With lots to keep me busy, I have to remind myself to eat - which is both a blessing and a curse.
I feel I am on the very precipice of this ED, with the capability to slip off and go full-on ana. I'm not there, I can't be there. To be honest, I DON'T wanna be there. Not yet. It's not time for that just yet. I can hear her whispering to me though...
But being EDNOS-R, I feel as though I HAVE to eat SOMETHING to keep my metabolism going, otherwise my body will go into "fat-storage" mode, and that scares the ever-loving shit outta me. I know I could just up my exercise to offset it all (to be quite honest, I would have to do more research on this - maybe what I think would happen and how to counteract it isn't exactly what WOULD happen and what I SHOULD be doing). But that's where I'm at now - the sheer capacity of my stomach has decreased to the point where a small salad of naked spinach leaves fills me up. There's no room.
And I have no excuse to not eat with my family. For the most part, I will prepare supper and when my husband comes home, I will tell him to go ahead and eat with our daughter, I'm just too exhausted from my day to join them. But I can't do that everyday. He is good at not paying attention though; he doesn't notice I'm not eating half the stuff I make for him and our girl, and that there's hardly any food on my plate. He doesn't think to question, doesn't pick up on it.
When I used to live at home, before I was married, this was an issue.
I hated every fucking moment of meal times.
But fast forward to today - hubby continues to compliment more and more. Clothes feeling a bit looser.
Not loose enough.
Never loose enough.
Being so busy lately, and for the next couple of weeks, I find I can live off of c&s exclusively. Taking all my pills as I go, and following up with my magic tea, and I am golden. Too busy to exercise every day the conventional way, so I get to be creative and make it work for me regardless - gotta keep moving.
Busy days......
I feel I am on the very precipice of this ED, with the capability to slip off and go full-on ana. I'm not there, I can't be there. To be honest, I DON'T wanna be there. Not yet. It's not time for that just yet. I can hear her whispering to me though...
But being EDNOS-R, I feel as though I HAVE to eat SOMETHING to keep my metabolism going, otherwise my body will go into "fat-storage" mode, and that scares the ever-loving shit outta me. I know I could just up my exercise to offset it all (to be quite honest, I would have to do more research on this - maybe what I think would happen and how to counteract it isn't exactly what WOULD happen and what I SHOULD be doing). But that's where I'm at now - the sheer capacity of my stomach has decreased to the point where a small salad of naked spinach leaves fills me up. There's no room.
And I have no excuse to not eat with my family. For the most part, I will prepare supper and when my husband comes home, I will tell him to go ahead and eat with our daughter, I'm just too exhausted from my day to join them. But I can't do that everyday. He is good at not paying attention though; he doesn't notice I'm not eating half the stuff I make for him and our girl, and that there's hardly any food on my plate. He doesn't think to question, doesn't pick up on it.
When I used to live at home, before I was married, this was an issue.
I hated every fucking moment of meal times.
But fast forward to today - hubby continues to compliment more and more. Clothes feeling a bit looser.
Not loose enough.
Never loose enough.
Being so busy lately, and for the next couple of weeks, I find I can live off of c&s exclusively. Taking all my pills as I go, and following up with my magic tea, and I am golden. Too busy to exercise every day the conventional way, so I get to be creative and make it work for me regardless - gotta keep moving.
Busy days......
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