Well, a month and a bit - before I'm supposed to be at my first goal.
Meeting up with a great group of musicians to enjoy the show and do some photography for 'em out of town. I'm supposed to be semi-SMOKIN' hot by then. One fucking month away.
I've allowed myself to get cozy with the notion of "comfortable". Can NOT let that happen again.
What the hell was I thinking?
I'd like to thank the influx of images of skinny girls reminding my fat ass that summer's on the way for lighting a fire under me.
Off to a date with my elliptical....
Monday, April 2, 2012
I've let too much time slip away from me, with holding myself accountable on this blog like I had hoped to.
I'm not comfortable with this.
Especially when I see pics of stick-thin girls everywhere. And summer is coming.
I can't sit back and find reasons to be "ok" with my jeans fitting a bit looser. "Ok" isn't good enough. I can't let myself slip into being comfortable with it, that's when I lose control all over again.
I've been running a couple other blogs, and they've been occupying my time (I've been a writer for years, a published journalist, and in order to keep my skills up, I've had to focus on my other blogs for clients).
But HERE is where I can cut my "professionalism", where I can let loose and just be me - this ed-nos IS who I am, and no one but the readers of this blog will ever know.
It feels good to have this "home" here, a place to let it out....so to my followers, whether you read this or not, thank you for your support.
Got my sneakers laced up, a body twisted in pain - hoping some time on the elliptical won't kill me.
I'm not comfortable with this.
Especially when I see pics of stick-thin girls everywhere. And summer is coming.
I can't sit back and find reasons to be "ok" with my jeans fitting a bit looser. "Ok" isn't good enough. I can't let myself slip into being comfortable with it, that's when I lose control all over again.
I've been running a couple other blogs, and they've been occupying my time (I've been a writer for years, a published journalist, and in order to keep my skills up, I've had to focus on my other blogs for clients).
But HERE is where I can cut my "professionalism", where I can let loose and just be me - this ed-nos IS who I am, and no one but the readers of this blog will ever know.
It feels good to have this "home" here, a place to let it out....so to my followers, whether you read this or not, thank you for your support.
Got my sneakers laced up, a body twisted in pain - hoping some time on the elliptical won't kill me.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Fucked myself up.
Overdid it yesterday, and today I am in serious pain. Trying to push through, but it's too overwhelming.
Gave myself some good solid bruises with a rolling pin to punish myself for pushing too hard and screwing up everything.
Did some hardcore c/s and now I'm gonna go lie down with an ice pack.
I can't believe I did that to myself. So effin' pissed.
Overdid it yesterday, and today I am in serious pain. Trying to push through, but it's too overwhelming.
Gave myself some good solid bruises with a rolling pin to punish myself for pushing too hard and screwing up everything.
Did some hardcore c/s and now I'm gonna go lie down with an ice pack.
I can't believe I did that to myself. So effin' pissed.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Whether it was a waste or not, here we are, nearly 11pm and I have had ZERO cardio all day.
It was so beautiful outside, I just wanted to open windows and this encouraged me to get a jump start on spring cleaning. I had hoped I could have broken it up with a DVD to watch while I hopped on the elliptical, but I ended up being so detailed in my cleaning (if I don't wash the walls, who will?) that I've come to this point. It's late, I'm tired.
I was fighting fatigue all day. Didn't want to nap away a beautiful potentially productive day, so to stave off hunger and keep me awake, I ate. Nothing too extreme, but enough to make me realize I needed more in my mouth than I was comfortable giving.
So I ended up c/s an entire fucking bag of cookies. There may or may not have been a bag of chips as well.
But because I'm home alone, I was able to sit down (and watch Celebrity Apprentice!) and just c/s right into a bowl on my lap. At the end of the bag of cookies, I looked into the mess in the bowl - the heap of masticated cookies made me feel pretty good - instead of that floating around in my body, this was in a bowl in my lap, AND I was satisfied, having conquered the need to chew and taste.
No one's home, I just threw another load of laundry in the wash. I'm gonna kick my butt into gear and get in some cardio, knowing my lax tea is waiting for me upstairs when I'm ready.
Hope everyone has a good night....
It was so beautiful outside, I just wanted to open windows and this encouraged me to get a jump start on spring cleaning. I had hoped I could have broken it up with a DVD to watch while I hopped on the elliptical, but I ended up being so detailed in my cleaning (if I don't wash the walls, who will?) that I've come to this point. It's late, I'm tired.
I was fighting fatigue all day. Didn't want to nap away a beautiful potentially productive day, so to stave off hunger and keep me awake, I ate. Nothing too extreme, but enough to make me realize I needed more in my mouth than I was comfortable giving.
So I ended up c/s an entire fucking bag of cookies. There may or may not have been a bag of chips as well.
But because I'm home alone, I was able to sit down (and watch Celebrity Apprentice!) and just c/s right into a bowl on my lap. At the end of the bag of cookies, I looked into the mess in the bowl - the heap of masticated cookies made me feel pretty good - instead of that floating around in my body, this was in a bowl in my lap, AND I was satisfied, having conquered the need to chew and taste.
No one's home, I just threw another load of laundry in the wash. I'm gonna kick my butt into gear and get in some cardio, knowing my lax tea is waiting for me upstairs when I'm ready.
Hope everyone has a good night....
Well I do believe common sense (and a messy house!) will prevail - had another painful "sleep" last night, so severe lack of rest is playing a huge part on my decision-making today. Got myself a big ol' coffee on the way to the airport to drop off my fam. Now that I'm home again, I've decided I don't want to get out of my sweatpants or put make-up on.
Maybe my body being in horrible pain and keeping me up all night was thanks to my overactive brain that was plotting and scheming what today might hold. I have no desire to see ANYONE today, honestly I don't care WHAT my "crushes" think of me at this moment, I'm going to stay indoors, clean, OD on caffeine pills and coffee to rev up my heart and burn off excess energy on the treadmill.
Sounds like a good plan, yeah?
Decided against stepping on the scale today - will do tomorrow though.
I have a long ways to go if I want to be successful. Ideally, I will be 50lbs lighter - the lightest I have ever been in my adult life. 50lbs less from the point I'm at now. My first goal of 20lbs by the time I see my drummer friend in May is doable.
Laundry, coffee, and workouts galore! The sun is shining, I'm all alone with my music, I think today's going to be a good day!
Feeling positive......
Maybe my body being in horrible pain and keeping me up all night was thanks to my overactive brain that was plotting and scheming what today might hold. I have no desire to see ANYONE today, honestly I don't care WHAT my "crushes" think of me at this moment, I'm going to stay indoors, clean, OD on caffeine pills and coffee to rev up my heart and burn off excess energy on the treadmill.
Sounds like a good plan, yeah?
Decided against stepping on the scale today - will do tomorrow though.
I have a long ways to go if I want to be successful. Ideally, I will be 50lbs lighter - the lightest I have ever been in my adult life. 50lbs less from the point I'm at now. My first goal of 20lbs by the time I see my drummer friend in May is doable.
Laundry, coffee, and workouts galore! The sun is shining, I'm all alone with my music, I think today's going to be a good day!
Feeling positive......
Friday, March 9, 2012
"Like a complete unknown...."
Not sure why, but I have been SO tired lately (well, ok, I DO know - a slew of consecutive restless nights). Whatever, I dig it. As I said before, when I'm sleeping, I'm not eating.
Today though, I'm dizzy. Kinda making me rethink my pending cardio, but it's just so QUIET and nice to have this house all to myself, I wanna take advantage - crank my tunes, blast it out on the treadmill.
I found some old notes, when I used to keep my food journals a few yrs ago (before I got pregnant). I was 30LBS lighter then. Sigh. But I was consistent with my journaling, and I stuck to my plans. Just reviewing shit like that helps keep me grounded now, so I'm super happy I kept that book!
Decided to revisit some of my old habits - switch up my menu for the day, try to adopt the same exercise routine (Turbo Jam anyone?!) haha
So in an attempt to shake off my massive dizzy spell, I had 1/4c steel cut oats, 3 strawberries, and 3 hard boiled egg whites. Laxative tea and cayenne pepper pills: check. 195 cal. I can kill that off on the treadmill no problem. Already downed 1L of water. Downloaded some sweet new tunes onto my ipod, got my running shoes on, still feeling dizzy.
To get me revved and to put an end to the silence in this house (I LOVE it, but it's time to shake it off), I'm cranking some classic tunes.
Love.
Tackling my cardio - hope to kick some serious ass these next few days (taking the lead from the past few) so that come Sunday, I can get a proper number on my scale. Been afraid to. I have a general idea, but I wanna give myself a good, fair, clean start.
Oy, now it sounds like I'm procrastinating - ok treadmill, it's just you, me, and Bob Dylan:
Today though, I'm dizzy. Kinda making me rethink my pending cardio, but it's just so QUIET and nice to have this house all to myself, I wanna take advantage - crank my tunes, blast it out on the treadmill.
I found some old notes, when I used to keep my food journals a few yrs ago (before I got pregnant). I was 30LBS lighter then. Sigh. But I was consistent with my journaling, and I stuck to my plans. Just reviewing shit like that helps keep me grounded now, so I'm super happy I kept that book!
Decided to revisit some of my old habits - switch up my menu for the day, try to adopt the same exercise routine (Turbo Jam anyone?!) haha
So in an attempt to shake off my massive dizzy spell, I had 1/4c steel cut oats, 3 strawberries, and 3 hard boiled egg whites. Laxative tea and cayenne pepper pills: check. 195 cal. I can kill that off on the treadmill no problem. Already downed 1L of water. Downloaded some sweet new tunes onto my ipod, got my running shoes on, still feeling dizzy.
To get me revved and to put an end to the silence in this house (I LOVE it, but it's time to shake it off), I'm cranking some classic tunes.
Love.
Tackling my cardio - hope to kick some serious ass these next few days (taking the lead from the past few) so that come Sunday, I can get a proper number on my scale. Been afraid to. I have a general idea, but I wanna give myself a good, fair, clean start.
Oy, now it sounds like I'm procrastinating - ok treadmill, it's just you, me, and Bob Dylan:
**Post-cardio update (I have no more notebooks to track this with, so onto the blog she goes):
- add to my tally a can of sugar-free Rockstar (20cal): 215 cal
- 30 min treadmill: 248 cal burned
Would like to try to get in a bit more exercise, not now though - I am hurting and still cosmically dizzy - gonna go lie down. Supper will be spinach salad with a few dried cranberries, celery and tomatoes. 1tbsp of ff Italian dressing for 10cal, and I never need a full tbsp.
Going to lie down now....
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Had a minor panic attack last night...
DH left for what was only to be a brief trip to the car wash, but an hour passed and he still wasn't home. He had been acting a bit "off" all day. I began to get paranoid - he knows his way around a computer, and even though we each have our own macs, maybe he had to pop on mine for a quick second, and maybe he accidentally stumbled upon a link to my blog.
My head was racing - he wasn't answering his cell, or replying to my texts - I was scared to death he had found my blog and had lied to me about going to wash his car, instead planning some type of forced therapy on me or something with friends and family.
I was so paranoid. Heart was racing. He doesn't believe there is anything wrong, and sometimes I don't believe there is, either. I mean, honestly, don't ALL women go through this? I don't know of any woman who doesn't have issues with her body. Sure, I might be a bit more extensive in my pursuit of happiness, with the laxatives and the pills. And sure I hate that this consumes my mind and dictates how I feel and how I act and react. But don't all women diet? And isn't dieting the same as restricting? Of course, I would be hideously embarrassed if he knew about the c/s, me hurting myself, my thoughts, among other things...
I don't know.
Anyways, this stuff I put on here is just my way of getting it out - it's cathartic for me, and helps me keep my mind on track. If he came across it, I would feel so violated. I couldn't look him in the eye. Last night, I was prepping myself to almost walk out on him, planning what I would do with my DD, where I would go.
Turns out, he just made a stop at a store first, and didn't have his phone on him, and all was well.
WOW. Fucking paranoia.
But perhaps a good wake-up call regardless; I'm more cognizant of clearing my history and deleting links as I go.
I'm not ready for him to know. I'm not at a place yet where I can share this with him.
When I get there, and after I'm in that place securely and happily, I can tell him. But until then, I need to be more careful.
Getting in some cardio now before I do anything else - I think this is what will work best - after yesterday's session, the hunger was ravenous. This way, if I get it done first thing in the morning, I can shut it up with my 107 cal breakfast, and hopefully not eat again until my salad at dinner time.
Here we go!
DH left for what was only to be a brief trip to the car wash, but an hour passed and he still wasn't home. He had been acting a bit "off" all day. I began to get paranoid - he knows his way around a computer, and even though we each have our own macs, maybe he had to pop on mine for a quick second, and maybe he accidentally stumbled upon a link to my blog.
My head was racing - he wasn't answering his cell, or replying to my texts - I was scared to death he had found my blog and had lied to me about going to wash his car, instead planning some type of forced therapy on me or something with friends and family.
I was so paranoid. Heart was racing. He doesn't believe there is anything wrong, and sometimes I don't believe there is, either. I mean, honestly, don't ALL women go through this? I don't know of any woman who doesn't have issues with her body. Sure, I might be a bit more extensive in my pursuit of happiness, with the laxatives and the pills. And sure I hate that this consumes my mind and dictates how I feel and how I act and react. But don't all women diet? And isn't dieting the same as restricting? Of course, I would be hideously embarrassed if he knew about the c/s, me hurting myself, my thoughts, among other things...
I don't know.
Anyways, this stuff I put on here is just my way of getting it out - it's cathartic for me, and helps me keep my mind on track. If he came across it, I would feel so violated. I couldn't look him in the eye. Last night, I was prepping myself to almost walk out on him, planning what I would do with my DD, where I would go.
Turns out, he just made a stop at a store first, and didn't have his phone on him, and all was well.
WOW. Fucking paranoia.
But perhaps a good wake-up call regardless; I'm more cognizant of clearing my history and deleting links as I go.
I'm not ready for him to know. I'm not at a place yet where I can share this with him.
When I get there, and after I'm in that place securely and happily, I can tell him. But until then, I need to be more careful.
Getting in some cardio now before I do anything else - I think this is what will work best - after yesterday's session, the hunger was ravenous. This way, if I get it done first thing in the morning, I can shut it up with my 107 cal breakfast, and hopefully not eat again until my salad at dinner time.
Here we go!
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