Restricted in EVERYTHING :(

Well just as I feared/expected, the pain of my injury is flaring up, and I'm out of commission.

I have no choice but to lie down. This sucks!

Calorie restriction is great, but when I'm FORCED to cut back on my exercise, I'm NOT happy.

Last night, while I was talking to DH after our DD went to sleep, I grabbed a handful of jujubes, without even thinking about it, and popped them into my mouth, one by one.

They tasted sooooo good.

And after I had finished eating them, and the pure enjoyment of the taste was washed over by anger about what I had just done, I immediately began to try figuring out how many damn calories that was.

I was afraid to know. I still don't know for sure, how many did I eat? It was almost like that part of my brain shut off so I could just pop them in without a second thought. The aftertaste made me angry. I felt like such an idiot - how could I not just, at one point throughout the process of walking over to the jar, unscrewing the lid, sticking my fat fingers into it, grabbing a handful, pulling my hand out, replacing the lid and screwing it back on, how could I NOT have been cognizant of what the fuck I was doing and STOP MYSELF.

My lax tea didn't solve anything, but the pain of it made me feel better. That's what I get for not being more aware.

Well, I suppose I should get my bed rest on. Fucking sucks - what the fuck can I do!

Figure out ways to create a homemade lipo-kit....

Thank you Venus for your advice - I used this past weekend to up my calories (hoping all that tequila from that Cinco de Mayo party sufficed!) and then after minor indulgences at a kid's bday party yesterday (a piece of cake maybe 4" combined dimensions, with a heaping tbsp of vanilla ice cream!), I loaded up on my special tea and hunkered down for the night.

Only managed to snag 30 min of cardio in over the past 2 days - they were very, very busy days....

This morning greeted me with vicious stomach cramps, shakes and cold sweats - a feeling that I hate to love. Really, what normal person craves that feeling?

That's my way of punishing myself for eating. And it's a good feeling. If my body wants to betray me by holding onto the weight, or throwing me into a c&s binge, then I'm gonna take the reigns and make it hurt. And acknowledging that only I have the power to change that feels great.

Sucky thing is, this weekend strained my injury, so I fear I'm bed-ridden today. Good thing I'm back to restricting today.

Started the day off with my 150 cal steel cut oats, about 10 cal for berries and with my 2 egg whites, I've rounded up a total of 177 cal.

Trying to fight this pain from my injury, but I don't think I can do anything about it. At least not today.

Going to pop some sleeping pills, that way I won't have to wake up until everyone comes home later on today. And if I'm sleeping, I can't be eating. ;)

Have a great day everyone! :)

Home alone....

Just knocked out 30 min of cardio on the treadmill, burned 252 cal.

Not a whole helluva lot. Feeling the pain in my injury, but I can't very well just lie around and let myself swell and bloat - errr, "heal".

So I'm cranking tunes and I'm gonna rock out some strength training. 

Breakfast and lunch down, and 379 cal in my body pre burn - 127 cal left to get rid of now.

No one's home. Time to bust it out. 

Anger, resentment, the story of my life

I'm so confused.

And pissed off.

I have been restricting for a very long time, but my weight has gone UP.

I don't fucking understand!!!! Can someone pls explain this to me?

I know your body reaches a point where it hoards fat b/c it is going into starvation mode - how do I push through that? It scares the shit outta me. Why is my body making me do this to it? Why can't it just fucking cooperate?!

Just when I thought I was feeling positive about my results - jeans fitting looser, clothes looking a bit better - I stepped on the scale and now I'm dejected and angry and confused.

Lacing up my sneakers...gonna try to burn off this anger....

ONE MONTH

Well, a month and a bit - before I'm supposed to be at my first goal.

Meeting up with a great group of musicians to enjoy the show and do some photography for 'em out of town. I'm supposed to be semi-SMOKIN' hot by then. One fucking month away.

I've allowed myself to get cozy with the notion of "comfortable". Can NOT let that happen again.

What the hell was I thinking?

I'd like to thank the influx of images of skinny girls reminding my fat ass that summer's on the way for lighting a fire under me.

Off to a date with my elliptical....

I've let too much time slip away from me, with holding myself accountable on this blog like I had hoped to.

I'm not comfortable with this.

Especially when I see pics of stick-thin girls everywhere. And summer is coming.

I can't sit back and find reasons to be "ok" with my jeans fitting a bit looser. "Ok" isn't good enough. I can't let myself slip into being comfortable with it, that's when I lose control all over again.

I've been running a couple other blogs, and they've been occupying my time (I've been a writer for years, a published journalist, and in order to keep my skills up, I've had to focus on my other blogs for clients).

But HERE is where I can cut my "professionalism", where I can let loose and just be me - this ed-nos IS who I am, and no one but the readers of this blog will ever know.

It feels good to have this "home" here, a place to let it out....so to my followers, whether you read this or not, thank you for your support.

Got my sneakers laced up, a body twisted in pain - hoping some time on the elliptical won't kill me.

Fucked myself up.

Overdid it yesterday, and today I am in serious pain. Trying to push through, but it's too overwhelming.

Gave myself some good solid bruises with a rolling pin to punish myself for pushing too hard and screwing up everything.

Did some hardcore c/s and now I'm gonna go lie down with an ice pack.

I can't believe I did that to myself. So effin' pissed.

Whether it was a waste or not, here we are, nearly 11pm and I have had ZERO cardio all day.

It was so beautiful outside, I just wanted to open windows and this encouraged me to get a jump start on spring cleaning. I had hoped I could have broken it up with a DVD to watch while I hopped on the elliptical, but I ended up being so detailed in my cleaning (if I don't wash the walls, who will?) that I've come to this point. It's late, I'm tired.

I was fighting fatigue all day. Didn't want to nap away a beautiful potentially productive day, so to stave off hunger and keep me awake, I ate. Nothing too extreme, but enough to make me realize I needed more in my mouth than I was comfortable giving.

So I ended up c/s an entire fucking bag of cookies. There may or may not have been a bag of chips as well.

But because I'm home alone, I was able to sit down (and watch Celebrity Apprentice!) and just c/s right into a bowl on my lap. At the end of the bag of cookies, I looked into the mess in the bowl - the heap of masticated cookies made me feel pretty good - instead of that floating around in my body, this was in a bowl in my lap, AND I was satisfied, having conquered the need to chew and taste.

No one's home, I just threw another load of laundry in the wash. I'm gonna kick my butt into gear and get in some cardio, knowing my lax tea is waiting for me upstairs when I'm ready.

Hope everyone has a good night....

Well I do believe common sense (and a messy house!) will prevail - had another painful "sleep" last night, so severe lack of rest is playing a huge part on my decision-making today. Got myself a big ol' coffee on the way to the airport to drop off my fam. Now that I'm home again, I've decided I don't want to get out of my sweatpants or put make-up on.

Maybe my body being in horrible pain and keeping me up all night was thanks to my overactive brain that was plotting and scheming what today might hold. I have no desire to see ANYONE today, honestly I don't care WHAT my "crushes" think of me at this moment, I'm going to stay indoors, clean, OD on caffeine pills and coffee to rev up my heart and burn off excess energy on the treadmill.

Sounds like a good plan, yeah?

Decided against stepping on the scale today - will do tomorrow though.

I have a long ways to go if I want to be successful. Ideally, I will be 50lbs lighter - the lightest I have ever been in my adult life. 50lbs less from the point I'm at now. My first goal of 20lbs by the time I see my drummer friend in May is doable.

Laundry, coffee, and workouts galore! The sun is shining, I'm all alone with my music, I think today's going to be a good day!

Feeling positive......

"Like a complete unknown...."

Not sure why, but I have been SO tired lately (well, ok, I DO know - a slew of consecutive restless nights). Whatever, I dig it. As I said before, when I'm sleeping, I'm not eating.

Today though, I'm dizzy. Kinda making me rethink my pending cardio, but it's just so QUIET and nice to have this house all to myself, I wanna take advantage - crank my tunes, blast it out on the treadmill.

I found some old notes, when I used to keep my food journals a few yrs ago (before I got pregnant). I was 30LBS lighter then. Sigh. But I was consistent with my journaling, and I stuck to my plans. Just reviewing shit like that helps keep me grounded now, so I'm super happy I kept that book!

Decided to revisit some of my old habits - switch up my menu for the day, try to adopt the same exercise routine (Turbo Jam anyone?!) haha

So in an attempt to shake off my massive dizzy spell, I had 1/4c steel cut oats, 3 strawberries, and 3 hard boiled egg whites. Laxative tea and cayenne pepper pills: check. 195 cal. I can kill that off on the treadmill no problem. Already downed 1L of water. Downloaded some sweet new tunes onto my ipod, got my running shoes on, still feeling dizzy.

To get me revved and to put an end to the silence in this house (I LOVE it, but it's time to shake it off), I'm cranking some classic tunes.

Love.

Tackling my cardio - hope to kick some serious ass these next few days (taking the lead from the past few) so that come Sunday, I can get a proper number on my scale. Been afraid to. I have a general idea, but I wanna give myself a good, fair, clean start.

Oy, now it sounds like I'm procrastinating - ok treadmill, it's just you, me, and Bob Dylan:

**Post-cardio update (I have no more notebooks to track this with, so onto the blog she goes):

- add to my tally a can of sugar-free Rockstar (20cal): 215 cal

- 30 min treadmill: 248 cal burned

Would like to try to get in a bit more exercise, not now though - I am hurting and still cosmically dizzy - gonna go lie down. Supper will be spinach salad with a few dried cranberries, celery and tomatoes. 1tbsp of ff Italian dressing for 10cal, and I never need a full tbsp. 

Going to lie down now....

Had a minor panic attack last night...

DH left for what was only to be a brief trip to the car wash, but an hour passed and he still wasn't home. He had been acting a bit "off" all day. I began to get paranoid - he knows his way around a computer, and even though we each have our own macs, maybe he had to pop on mine for a quick second, and maybe he accidentally stumbled upon a link to my blog.

My head was racing - he wasn't answering his cell, or replying to my texts - I was scared to death he had found my blog and had lied to me about going to wash his car, instead planning some type of forced therapy on me or something with friends and family.

I was so paranoid. Heart was racing. He doesn't believe there is anything wrong, and sometimes I don't believe there is, either. I mean, honestly, don't ALL women go through this? I don't know of any woman who doesn't have issues with her body. Sure, I might be a bit more extensive in my pursuit of happiness, with the laxatives and the pills. And sure I hate that this consumes my mind and dictates how I feel and how I act and react. But don't all women diet? And isn't dieting the same as restricting? Of course, I would be hideously embarrassed if he knew about the c/s, me hurting myself, my thoughts, among other things...

I don't know.

Anyways, this stuff I put on here is just my way of getting it out - it's cathartic for me, and helps me keep my mind on track. If he came across it, I would feel so violated. I couldn't look him in the eye. Last night, I was prepping myself to almost walk out on him, planning what I would do with my DD, where I would go.

Turns out, he just made a stop at a store first, and didn't have his phone on him, and all was well.

WOW. Fucking paranoia.

But perhaps a good wake-up call regardless; I'm more cognizant of clearing my history and deleting links as I go.

I'm not ready for him to know. I'm not at a place yet where I can share this with him.

When I get there, and after I'm in that place securely and happily, I can tell him. But until then, I need to be more careful.

Getting in some cardio now before I do anything else - I think this is what will work best - after yesterday's session, the hunger was ravenous. This way, if I get it done first thing in the morning, I can shut it up with my 107 cal breakfast, and hopefully not eat again until my salad at dinner time.

Here we go!

Slept in. Nice to have a quiet house. Hope it stays like this for a long time. (When I'm sleeping, I'm not eating.)

Had 150 cal for breakfast/lunch. Just burned off 273 on the treadmill. First time in a while I've done some cardio. Feeling pain in my injury, so I have to call it quits for a bit. Don't wanna blow it right outta the gates, I need to/want to take it slow. Restriction is gonna be my saving grace.

Finally back on track

After a mixed bag of the uncontrollable shifting of priorities these past 6 weeks, I can refocus my energy and get my ednos back on track.

I have thought about it everyday, and tried to stay true to me, keeping my eyes on the prize (20 lbs in 2 months - HIGHLY doable, right? I think so...)

This is going to come primarily from restriction, with cardio where and when (and if) I can fit it in. Still recovering, going for more treatment, but I can't be a sloth, either.

Today was supposed to be my unofficial new start with my focus back on the ball, but yesterday I had a pity binge (followed up by doubled amounts of laxatives and pills). Was fully prepared to pay for it with snug jeans today, but THANK YOU BODY, it co-operated with me, and my jeans fit as per usual!

Sure was a wake-up call - put my body through hell and fully expected to pay for it, was regretting the turmoil and fearful of the shame it was going to put me through this morning. Man was I pleasantly surprised to see it hadn't retaliated! I will take care of you now, Body - I will treat you with all the care, restriction and discipline it deserves.

No more messing around, no more taking it for granted. Binges are not acceptable.

Discovered a wonderful new juice today. 10 cal/250ml.

Put a cup in a litre of water to not only make my water taste yummy, but to make those 10 cal stretch.

Also picked up some new fare for c&s, sugar-free jello, and fresh spinach.

Jello is in the fridge....jelling...???...lying awake when I know I'm tired, thinking about c&s...feeling hungry and tired. Flipped over to My 600lb Life.

Definitely supressing my hunger pangs. They look like how I feel.

Looking forward to jello tomorrow (it's lime) :)

So, so pretty. She is definitely ana, and it's working for her. Funny, stunning, successful. I want to be her (only I'm happy with my dark hair). 

Gorgeous.

Feeling a bit better about things today...gonna go with that momentum and hope for the best.

Stuck to mostly liquids yesterday, but I did eat a small supper with my hubby. Not the greatest choices either, but I had restriction ony mind the whole time, so u am cognizant of my surroundings and what I am doing, and that's important - not to let myself get swallowed up and jaded by hunger, to keep the bigger picture in focus.

Gonna go make more sugar-free jello - a nice cheat for my brain.

Peace and love!

Ahhhh, the familiar comforting pain of the laxative in my system - the cramping, the cold sweats, the shakes, the nausea....punishment for the way I look(ed in those pics from last night).

Convinced my friend to take them down. She obliged, but they are still in existence.

They will always serve as a reminder of my failure, my inability to succeed.

Today is a new day, a fresh start, a new plan of attack.

No more 1/2c fibre cereal for breakfast (my 90 cal for the first half of the day); nope, cutting that our, doing just unsweetened almond milk (35cal/cup), sugar-free jello (10cal/half cup), more laxatives and a small spinach salad for supper.

I'm a fucking failure, as past behaviours predict; however, the glorious thing about being alive is that I have another day to make a change.

I fucking hate myself.

Just when I feel good and let loose a little bit with friends, allow myself to get caught up in the fun and have a good time, someone's gotta take a picture of my fat ass and post it on facebook for all to see.

This is why I hate going out.

I thought this time might be different.

I was fucking wrong.

I fucked up.

Found this on a forum

It is amazing. I can relate to most of these points - it's refreshing to see that my confused state of mind finally has an anchor, a name. Validation.

Life with EDNOS

1. one day you’re eating 200 calories, and the next day you hit 2000 or more.

2. you feel like you don’t have a “real eating disorder.”

3. you try and tell people about your tortured food feelings, and they look at your healthy BMI and say: “mmm…yeah..well it can’t be that bad can it?”

4. you go through a lot of crap, and still end up the same weight that you were two years ago. (Which, of course, looks healthy and normal).

5. all this agony and you don’t get any validation from it — there’s nothing to SHOW what you’re going through; you don’t even get to be “thin.”

6. you’re an exercise freak but don’t get to see the benefits, because you’re a binger too. And, all those hours feel like a waste sometimes because you don’t have the beautiful body you ought to have.

7. you read these threads on the anorexia and bulimia boards and agree with everything, but still feel like you don’t fit there.

8. on a good day you go out to eat, and are instantly triggered by the girl that orders a side salad with dressing on the side.

9. you hate that no one notices all the shit you go through in your head because your weight hasn’t fluctuated enough to gain attention.

10. you can loose 10 pounds in 2 weeks …. then gain back 12 in a week.

11. one day you fast, and the next day you’re eating a weeks worth of food …. then comes the choice to purge or not to purge. On good days you do, and on bad days you eat more and crawl into bed.

12. you still control the bad food you eat - blotting the grease off pizza, drink diet coke with a “fatty” meal, have low calorie dressing on a fatty sandwich, etc.

13. when you’re really upset and can’t decide whether to restrict or binge.

14. you start every day with the intention of restricting your calories, have nothing until lunch, and then still fit in 2000 calories before bed.

15. you’re embarrased to tell people that you have an ED cause you’re at a “healthy” weight.

16. you try to secretly diagnose everyone you know with an ED.

17. you feel like you’re so fucked up/incompetent/worthless that you can’t do ANYTHING right/normally — not even develop an ED.

18. after a major binge you’re scared to drink water because you’ve gained enough weight already.

19. you feel like a fraud for having nothing to show for all your suffering.

20. you keep telling yourself tomorrow is a new day, and it never is.

21. even if you do try and diet somewhat “normally,” you loose nothing because your metabolism is so screwed from years of this shit.

22. over the last 11 years you have lost a total of 100 pounds, and gained about 90.

23. you starve/restrict all week knowing full well you’re probably going to binge on the weekend.

24. you can’t decide if it’s emptiness or bingeing that you crave the most.

25. you can’t sleep one night because your stomach is growling, and can’t sleep the next night because you’re so pissed at yourself for bingeing.

Well it was short but here's another just because it's god damn true

You know you are EDNOS when..
1. You starve all day, then binge when you get home, purge then eat a normall tea

2. You decline a boiled sweet from a friend because it has 25 calories only to buy 3 chocolate bars at the garage.

3. You fast for a few days, then eat normally for the next few.

4. Knowing that one day can be completely different to the next when it comes to food

5. putting on 5 pounds in 1 week only to loose it all the next week

++++

you're too fat for help, but not fat enough to be anything other than 'normal'.
When it feels more like a messed up diet than an eating disorder because you don't do anything 'properly'.
When you wish you had a 'real' disorder because then people might take you seriously.

++++

1. When you restrict restrict restrict until dizziness floods your mind, but your BMI is normal and is stuck there.

2. When you "binge" on 2,000 calories of cakes/chocolates/cookies while locked in the bathroom only to NOT swallow them but spit each sloppy huge bite into mounds of dixie paper cups you purchase regularly and hide inside sacks, boxes, etc so no one looking in the trash will see.

3. After C/S your throat hurts not from B/P but B/coughing up mucus/food that's slid down from C/S.

4. Restrict and restrict until you BINGE w/o P all day Sunday b/c you know your body has to be tricked it's not starving.

5. People telling you they see your bones but your BMI is twenty-fucking-three and you just don't see how the bones sticking out warrants a BMI of 23.

6. Hating yourself when you have a 'snack' after work of 3 wheat saltines to avoid fainting after your hour cardio workout and feel you failed.

7. Not able to NOT eat dinner, but not able to purge after. Feel, then, like you can't do a damn thing right.

8. Telling your therapist (finally) you C/S and they say......oh, uh huh...... hum...... and ask anorexic questions which some answers are yes and some answer are no.

Busy days...

With lots to keep me busy, I have to remind myself to eat - which is both a blessing and a curse.

I feel I am on the very precipice of this ED, with the capability to slip off and go full-on ana. I'm not there, I can't be there. To be honest, I DON'T wanna be there. Not yet. It's not time for that just yet. I can hear her whispering to me though...

But being EDNOS-R, I feel as though I HAVE to eat SOMETHING to keep my metabolism going, otherwise my body will go into "fat-storage" mode, and that scares the ever-loving shit outta me. I know I could just up my exercise to offset it all (to be quite honest, I would have to do more research on this - maybe what I think would happen and how to counteract it isn't exactly what WOULD happen and what I SHOULD be doing). But that's where I'm at now - the sheer capacity of my stomach has decreased to the point where a small salad of naked spinach leaves fills me up. There's no room.

And I have no excuse to not eat with my family. For the most part, I will prepare supper and when my husband comes home, I will tell him to go ahead and eat with our daughter, I'm just too exhausted from my day to join them. But I can't do that everyday. He is good at not paying attention though; he doesn't notice I'm not eating half the stuff I make for him and our girl, and that there's hardly any food on my plate. He doesn't think to question, doesn't pick up on it.

When I used to live at home, before I was married, this was an issue.

I hated every fucking moment of meal times.

But fast forward to today - hubby continues to compliment more and more. Clothes feeling a bit looser.

Not loose enough.

Never loose enough.

Being so busy lately, and for the next couple of weeks, I find I can live off of c&s exclusively. Taking all  my pills as I go, and following up with my magic tea, and I am golden. Too busy to exercise every day the conventional way, so I get to be creative and make it work for me regardless - gotta keep moving.

Busy days......