It's time.

I've been peeking around at other pro-ana/ed-nos blogs, and I've decided that it's time I start up my own.

Maybe to help others, like others' blogs have helped me when I needed to search for a light in this dark, messy confusion that has been my mindset for years. Maybe to help only me, to give me clarity as I purge my thoughts and vent my disappointments.

Or more honestly, to hold myself accountable and help me stick to my ultimate goal of being lighter tomorrow than I am today.

On the surface, everything's just fine. I am outgoing, funny, have an incredibly wonderful husband, a beautiful and healthy little girl.

On the inside, I scream at myself everyday.

I wake up hating myself for having eaten the day before. I fight back tears as I find myself powerless to swallowing the food I put in my mouth - my chew/spit vs actual consumption ratio varies from day to day. Some days I can pull it off no problem. But there are times when I find weakness, and knowing there is food in my body - that I put it there - makes me angry.

An injury over a year ago has prevented me from maintaining my healthy lifestyle - I used to run every day. Lift weights. Eat healthy. Then I became injured, and I couldn't run. I put on weight. I hate myself.

A lifetime of food issues, of people teasing me - I was never obese, but I was never a stick, either.  I am "normal". "Average" maybe. But I don't want to be average. Everyone's average. I want to be different. I want to be the one that people notice. I long to be a waif - all this, I have to take into account.

It's time to stop dicking around and take my life into my own hands now. Can't blame my injury. If I can't exercise like I used to, I can certainly control my food consumption (or lack thereof).

Only this blog and its readers know the truth. To everyone else, everything's just fine.