TV is a funny thing.

Maybe not "ha ha" funny - but the back-to-back adverts laden with contradictions could really screw with a person's mind.

Especially when that person's already partially fucked up.

Commercials for exercise products and weight loss programs - the befores-and-afters. Brilliant. Thinspiration. Directly followed up with commercials for food - more specifically, this time, cheese - a mom uses a particular blend of cheeses to make a delicious lasagna for her loving family. The lasagna is great, she is the hero.

Makes me feel pathetic, and THAT - allowing some shitty commercial to bring me down - makes me feel angry.

I recognize I am probably cheating my family out of that. I don't make that for supper. If I made meals like that for my family, I could never be the "after" image I picture in my head, like the ones I see on TV during the commercials before the cheesy lasagna advert.

Because of my mind, I find myself leaning on my injury quite a bit around supper time (the time of day when the whole family is together again) - using my injury as a crutch so that I don't have to prepare something elaborate - something I should normally have no excuse not to eat. But I know if I do make it, the raging voices in my head will scream at me for eating just a bite, and I'll feel like shit for the rest of the evening, and I'll have to punish myself with laxatives. And I really don't enjoy that.

So to save MYself from abuse, I'll whip up KD for my hubby and my toddler, with a side of veggies (I'll fill up their bowls with KD so if I have to eat, I'll just munch on the leftover veggies - I'm a great mom and wife, making sure my family is fed before me!) Yeah right.

I do feel bad for cheating my family out of meals like that. The commercials reflect the happiness in a family as they sit around the table at dinnertime, reveling in the fantastic meal the mom prepared, laughing, enjoying each other's company. There are times when I will do something special, but I know cooked-from-scratch should be more of a regular occurrence, as opposed to something just saved for a "special occasion".

Feeling guilty for my family.....gotta stay strong for me.....